Triple Digits

Success! Today, a handsome and intelligent man in the great state of Ohio purchased PaceWheels number 99 and 100.

There hasn't been a holiday shopping frenzy like this for an item since Tickle Me Elmo (round 2). Okay, so maybe it's nowhere near a shopping frenzy...or feeding frenzy...or even napping frenzy, but I feel pretty confident that my goal of being a Thousandaire could be realized...after I pay back my investor, pay the "man" (actually, it's the "men") state, county, and "Rural Transportation Authority" sales taxes (at least there's no redundant, ridiculous and redundant stadium tax on an unnecessary stadium), another "man" self-employment tax and income tax.

Historical Revisionism

One of the most interesting examples of history and our knowledge of it being changed by those in power was brought to the public eye recently with the sale of the last known copy of the map that first named America as America. According to the story from Reuters, http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSN0332239320071203, this map (drawn in 1507) has details of the west coast of the New World (an accurate coastline and, indeed, an ocean where none was known or expected by Europeans).

The maker of the map, a monk named Waldeesmuller, cited the earlier works of Ptolemy and the letters of Amerigo Vespucci as inspiration for the map, but only six years after naming the continent "America" on that map, Waldeesmuller changes his mind and calls it "Terra Incognita" and changes the west coast back into the unknown.

Scholars can only speculate as to why the actual change occured, but the Cartographer himself suspected that the Powers that Be had something to do with it.

Perhaps this change isn't as well known or well executed as the revisions of Davy Crockett about himself or of Todd Lincoln about his father, but it proves once again that he who controls the information controls the people.

Attracting more z's with bees

On occasion, when I'm attempting to avoid work, I check out google's "news" page to check headlines just in case I'm missing something important. And here it is: "Honey Beats Meds at Soothing Kids' Coughs" (see the original article here http://health.usnews.com/usnews/health/healthday/071204/honey-beats-meds-at-soothing-kids-cough.htm)

As it turns out, a recent study has shown that giving honey to kids (over 1 year old) is more effective than giving them cough medicine or (surprise, surprise) no treatment.

Side effects include mild hyperactivity but a better night's sleep.

Who knew?

Pandemic Crisis

Undoubtedly, dear reader, you or a member of your immediate circle of friends and relations have been afflicted by an all-too-common ailment. The ailment I will now describe for you generally remains dormant, and most people are carriers, though they seldom know it. However, this condition typically rears its ugly head at the most inconvenient times, waylaying plans and making the completion of tasks difficult. This disease tends to flourish in the springtime, as the icy chill of winter begins to fade (and the icy chill of Colorado in April snaps us out of that tantalizing Indian spring). However, springtime is not the only time of year when it arrives.

Thanksgiving break is over; December is just around the corner; and I've got less than four weeks left of my last class of my Master's degree program. I'm absolutely unmotivated. I have just one real project left to complete in this 18 month program. I'm just weeks away from completing all of the "higher" education I ever plan on participating in. I'm a few short keystrokes away from acquiring the diploma that will move me up and over on the payscale. I'm just...

And yet, here I sit, at 4:00 in the morning, typing away at my blog, suffering from senioritis. You'd think that all these years working in education would have immunized me against its effects, but I guess it was just in remission.

Welcome Back, Ricky!!!

It's official: the NFL has decided that its own rules aren't worth following. It doesn't matter if you violate the substance abuse policy (again). It doesn't matter if you've been relegated to Canada (a virtual penal colony for NFL players). As long as you are a talented, strong athlete with an indestructable ego, you can do whatever you want without repercussions.

But don't worry, the American Public is also in line with this mode of thinking (at least 69% of the 35,000+ voters in an online poll), and are ready to have thier favorite dope-smoking running back (and mine) back into the league so that your sons (and mine) can acknowlege the awesome power that is the hero worship of American religion.

So, Ricky Williams, welcome back.

Just Deserts

D20 School Board Member Doug Lundberg, Colorado Commissioner of Education Dwight Jones, and Pine Creek Math Teacher Michael Arsenault

I don't want to go on a super rant about how teachers are underpaid and underappreciated, so here's a story about one teacher who is getting the recognition he so deserves.

Yesterday, at a student body assembly, Pine Creek High School math teacher Michael Arsenault was awarded the Milken Family Foundation's 2007 Educator Award. Only 7 people in the building knew who was receiving the award, and Mr. Arsenault was not among them. When the representative from the Milken Family Foundation announced the recipient, Mr. Arsenault was speechless, and the school's principal, Todd Morse, ran to him and hugged him, finally relieved of the burden of knowing the secret but being unable to tell anyone.

I'm not going to say I'm underpaid; I've got a mortgage my family can afford even with two kids and only one real income (I hesitate to use the word legitimate as that would imply that the other incomes are illicit); we always have food on the table and in the pantry and in the fridge; we have two cars that both work and are paid for; we've got really everything we need.

So since teachers are not underpaid (objectively), I will say that yesterday's recognition of an awesome, influential teacher is an example of something that should happen more often, even if there isn't a big check involved. So, track down the email or physical address of a teacher who influenced you, and let them know you appreciate him.

Bureaucracy

So here I am, staring at 19 pages of patent application text, plus 14 pages of patent application drawings, plus the requisite 5 cover pages of fill-in-the-blank forms, ready to write my check for $500 to attempt to protect the intellectual property that is the PaceWheel.

All of this work and my $500 will allow me to sell my product with the phrase "patent pending" on the side, but I won't know if my patent is approved for 18 months. In fact, I might not know anything except that the patent application has been received until then. Hopefully, no one else also invented the pacewheel concept and has their application waiting in line while I'm filing for protection.

BTW, the first print run of PaceWheels will be in my hands today!

Bureaucracy

So here I am, staring at 19 pages of patent application text, plus 14 pages of patent application drawings, plus the requisite 5 cover pages of fill-in-the-blank forms, ready to write my check for $500 to attempt to protect the intellectual property that is the PaceWheel.

All of this work and my $500 will allow me to sell my product with the phrase "patent pending" on the side, but I won't know if my patent is approved for 18 months. In fact, I might not know anything except that the patent application has been received until then. Hopefully, no one else also invented the pacewheel concept and has their application waiting in line while I'm filing for protection.

BTW, the first print run of PaceWheels will be in my hands today!

The hat trick

I know, you're thinking to yourself, "this guy has got to be kidding; you can't write a follow-up-comments-posting-record-setting blog and expect to write another decent one. Especially not after having already written a heart-wrenching, gut-churning, emotionally-draining one on a topic that hits home and is reviewed by the critics as "well-written."

Nevertheless, here I am, tapping away at my keyboard, allowing the cathartic process that is writing to work out the pain. Maybe my lack of posting over the last few months has been the reason for my insanity and lack of sleep. Or maybe it's not.

Either way, as I was looking to find the record-setting blog post from before, I ran across some earlier posts when my writing was really working my thoughts out onto the page in meaningful ways (not that the blogs were great, but that it was therapeutic). Anyway, I'll try and keep this up.

Two in one day!

So, I've had iTunes running in the background in a vain attempt to cover up some of the multi-tasking that's occupying my brain (read "Disappointment" below if you don't know what I'm talking about), and I just realized what the "random" playlist has played the last half-hour or so:

Extreme: HoleHearted – “Priorities confuse my mind/still I’m left one step behind”
Coldplay: Yellow – “For you I’d bleed myself dry”
Fernando Ortega: Sing to Jesus – “Come you who mourn”
Marc Cohn: Walk on Water – “Are you willing to wait for a miracle”
Counting Crows: Time and Time Again – “I want it so badly”
Rich Mullins: On the verge of a miracle – “you can see it if you just hold on”

Talk about weird. Of course now it's playing Boston's "Rock 'N Roll Band" - "Everybody's waving, getting crazy, anticipating" - so there goes my streak...unless you want to really read too much into it, in which case...

Disappointment

Q: What's worse than finishing one place (4 points) shy of advancing to state in a Cross Country team race?



















A: Finishing one place (2 points) shy of advancing to state.

1. Rampart 33
2. Coronado 80
3. Palmer 117
4. Douglas County 158
5. Durango 159
6. Pine Creek 161

The worst part about this kind of defeat is that every member of the team feels responsible because, in theory, each one could have made the difference. If two guys just pass one runner, it's a tie, and we win the tie-break with a better sixth-runner finish. If one guy passes two guys, etc. Each guy is thinking, "if only I had/hadn't _____________" (eaten a burrito, tied my laces tighter, slept in, taken July 4th off, dumped my girlfriend...you get the picture).

I think here's my real problem: instead of being able to celebrate that each of my 7 varsity runners ran their personal bests for the course, that this is the best regional finish in the team's history, or that one individual runner qualified for state (that makes 3 years in a row, and 5 out of 8 years of my career), I'm frustrated with the narrowness of the defeat.

With apologies to Wendell Berry: State qualifying is the stick I'm using to measure my season, and to beat it with.

Of course I'm disappointed for my seniors (and the other guys), but maybe I'm really more disappointed for myself. Sometimes, you do everything right and you still don't win. Or at least you do a lot of things right, and you still don't win. Well maybe, you do some things right and you get lucky enough to almost place 5th. But at least it's a moral victory. What I really want is a morale victory.

Hilda - I have invented a maneuver

Well, I've created a monster that has taken on a life of its own (and no I'm not talking about either of my sons).

Earlier this Cross Country season, I came up with a way to consolidate a lot of semi-technical, tedious-to-work-with, and individualized information into a user-friendly format: the PaceWheelTM.

My invention(the PaceWheelTM) has made running Cross Country practice (with over 40 athletes) a significantly more-streamlined endeavor without sacrificing the individual training design that each of my athletes deserves. But, the kids said I should market the thing because I could become a millionaire! I thought that was crazy, but as I've continued to revise and refine the PaceWheelTM, more and more people have said they would buy such a contraption. So I went to my local printshop to see what it would take to get them made nicely. I have a website up and running. I have trademarked and copyrighted the idea. It may or may not be consuming every waking and sleeping thought I have.

But it may be my one chance at being a thousandaire.

Thirst Buster...no doubt

So this morning, I decided I'd run to work.

It's somewhere around 8 miles, but that's not really that important. What's important is that since I needed to bring a shirt to change into (I had an extra pair of pants in my gym bag) and my wallet and keys, so I put them in my fanny pack. The fanny pack doesn't really run well. It slides up from my hips and begins to bounce unless I cinch it really tight as it moves up around my middle. But then it squeezes my guts with every bounce, and about halfway in, I really needed to open the safety release valve that was being pushed against as a result of the fanny pack girdle. Fortunately, the halfway point is conveniently located next to a Conoco (home of the Thirst Buster 64oz. drink).

But my encounter with the Thirst Buster did not quench my thirst as much as it prevented me from desiring anything to drink from the cup: Right next to the toilet was a toilet brush in a Thirst Buster cup. Wish I had a camera.

ARGGGHHHH!

This is as much of a post as I have time for at the moment.

Life is busy, busy, busy. I hope to have more real content in a few days.

The Coach

Summer's Over

Well, I'm back. They say that time goes faster as you get older, but I think it's really just that summer keeps getting shorter. I realize that most of you who read this will have little sympathy for someone who gets summers off, but allow me to vent.

There's this old saying about the 3 best things about being a teacher: June, July, and August. Maybe it used to be true, but yesterday (August 2nd) was my first official day back at work after getting out of school on May 30th. That's 8 weeks plus a little. When I was a kid, school didn't start until the last week of August, and we usually got out around May 20th. Now...well it's just not the same.

I'm not saying I want to trade jobs with any of you; I love my job, and I know the benefits I get as a teacher are fantastic (besides, Ann Coulter says I get paid more than I deserve for warping young minds with my liberal claptrap); I just miss my summer break.

I'm back, and I'll try to post often (you know, once a week at least).

Disappointment

Having never been turned down for a job in my life, I figured I was just about due. This morning, I called the man in charge of hiring for my even-dreamier-than-my-current-dream-job job (mostly because I was impatient), and they have a candidate on a visit to the institution and they have offered him the job. I can't imagine that he won't take it (or that I would be next in line if he were to turn it down), so I think this is my first rejection (ignoring of course a litany of turn-downs from girls).

I am, of course, disappointed but resolved to be content with what I have many times declared to be a dream job - I get to teach fun classes, coach a sport I love, and influence young men and women in the most important aspects of their lives. I pretty much knew this was coming, and I can't say that I hadn't daydreamed that I would be the successful candidate for this, but here I am, nonetheless.

Thanks to all of you for your encouragement and support.

Hitchhiking on the Information Superhighway

If your neighbor plays his stereo so loudly that it penetrates your walls, no one accuses you of stealing if you listen to what he's playing, do they?

Getting internet of any speed at home costs money, unless you have a neighbor whose internet stereo penetrates your walls. My infrequent posting on this site since summer started is a direct result of not having consistent access to the internet (like I do at work). I occasionally can access the internet if I'm sitting with my laptop in the front door. The computer has to be at just the right angle, but when it is -- bingo! I'm connected!

What I'd like to do is talk to my neighbors whose signals I get at much higher levels (but which are password protected) and suggest that we share the cost together. $40 a month for high-speed is ridiculous, but $10 a month might be alright (think yearly: $480 or $120). $480 is a lot of dough to spend on something that ought to be free.

Anyway, I'm cheap (and poor), so I'll continue to have intermittent postings because not everyone will pick up a hitchhiker.

The Power Trio

Last night, I finally realized one of my childhood dreams: I saw The Police in concert.

Amazingly, they hadn't broken up already on the tour (a legitimate concern considering their vitriolic history), and it even seemed like they were having a good time together on stage.

The opening act was pretty good (the lead singer was Sting's son Joe's band, Fictionplane), and from our seats (the very last row in the highest level of the Pepsi Center), I could see Sting standing off-stage watching the show.

As for the main event, it was amazing. They changed some of the songs enough that it wasn't like they were playing straight off the albums but they didn't change them so much that they ruined my favorite songs, if you know what I mean. It was as if they were really working together creatively again.

There were big screen TV's up above the stage and at least 6 cameras working the show (perhaps for a concert DVD), and when they scanned the audience, I realized how old the average fan was: there was a man with a hawaiian shirt and a full grey beard singing "De do do do, De da da da" and I just laughed. I'm 30, but I was barely alive when the band first formed, and I wasn't even in grade school when the actually (though not officially) broke up. Sting is 55, Stewart is almost 55, but "the legendary Andy Summers" (Sting's words) is 65. But what a show. They played like they were still in their prime (with a little less jumping off of amplifiers, etc.)

It was definitely worth the price of admission (at least for the cheap seats), and I'm glad I got to go before they broke up again.

Job Opportunities

I heard about a job vacancy that I really would love to get at an institution that I admire. Unfortunately, on paper I'm totally underqualified. They're looking for someone with big-time experience and a big name, but I'm a high school teacher and coach (plus my name is only 7 letters long - 14 if you include my first name).

If you can't get a job without experience, how do you get experience without a job?

A miracle could happen, and that's exactly what I need.

Freedom 3 years later

Today is a special anniversary for me. The faint of heart should read no further, though I suspect the word has already jumped off the screen at you.

I'm celebrating three years of sobriety and freedom from pornography and masturbation.

I never thought it would be possible, but this popular addiction controlled my life for years, and the internet certainly didn't help. Thanks to my incredibly patient wife for her constant prayers and support. Thanks to my band of brothers who prayed with me and talked with me about it. But the real credit goes to Jesus, who defeated sin and death, and whose power conquers every temptation.

I could not have done this alone, and Jesus is the crutch that made it possible.

Surprise, Surprise

Yesterday was one of those days where nothing seemed to go right. The 8-month old was awake from 2 to 5 a.m.; school was a disaster; track practice ended at 4:30, but I was there until 5:32 when the last kid’s ride finally showed up; and to top it all off, we were going to have dinner with some of my wife’s oldest friends (her college roommate and her best friend from childhood). I was supposed to be home early enough to help clean up or watch the boys so she could clean up, and I hit every one of the 14 possible red lights on my trip home. I was incredibly frustrated.

I got home, and she had already cleaned up, and I felt pretty bad, but she said it was okay. She needed me to watch the boys for a few minutes while she cleaned the bathroom – it was apparently the last thing that needed to be done. We were meeting her best friend (the old roommate had cancelled) at Louie’s Pizza, a local chain (if there is such a thing) which has great pizza but the ambience of a truck stop bathroom. As we pulled up, I saw a friend from our Sunday night Bible study – what a neat coincidence.

And then, another friend walked right in front of our car as we were unloading the boys. He seemed startled to see me, and then helped me by grabbing the diaper bag (which my wife insisted we didn’t need in the restaurant). And then it dawned on me, there were going to be more people here than just her old friend.

When we walked in, there were way more than I expected: a whole dozen of my friends – J-M, Bob, Calvin, Brad, Matt, Marshall, Aaron, Adam, BJ, my brothers Matthew and Manuel, and my nephew Johnathan. My wife took our sons and went home. What a great birthday present (she really took me by surprise since my birthday was almost two weeks ago).

We ate pizza and Calzones, then we came back to my house where my wife had cleaned everything, made ginger snaps, and reclaimed to pool table/darts room from its use as a storage room.

My wife is the best wife a guy could ever have. Thanks, honey, for the greatest birthday party I’ve ever had!

The blog I visit more often than my own

It's hilarious. And there's even more where that came from. I actually visit this blog more often than just about any other website. Why? Again, hilarious. She's insightful and clever, and her unique delivery is fantastic.

It's not a blog in the sense that someone is blah-blah-blogging on it, but it is great. You'll have to check it out. Thanks to Fat Matt for sharing it with me.

It's simple, it's funny, I hope she'll get into syndicated print soon.

One for the road:

Baal & Molech Worship

Don't take this the wrong way, but I have come to appreciate how ancient worshipers could indeed sacrifice their infant children to Baal or Molech or any one of those ancient, blood-thirsty deities.

I've been doing some reading, and it seems that all of these ancient worship services were held at two or three in the morning and lasted several hours. The infant was generally expected to be cutting teeth or to have an ear infection or at least be screaming at the top of his lungs for the duration of the service. The sacrificer would finally look at the sacrificee and say, "I can't take this for another second" and that would be it.

Nowadays, of course, we're more civilized and we've replaced such ancient superstitions with Orajel (nighttime formula for the kid) or Jack and Coke (nighttime formula for the adult).

On Turning 30...

So, today's my birthday, and I'm actually excited about it.

They say that you're over the hill when you hit 40, but lots of people have told me that things start going downhill at 30 really. But I'm not afraid.

I've got several reasons to be excited:

• I'm in my 30's and I'm married to a girl in her 20's
• I'm moving into another age bracket on race day - no more competing against 25-year-olds
• Gray hair will make it less likely that I'll be asked to homecoming by a clueless freshman again (for the 8th year in a row)
• I've finally gotten to the point where I'm (reasonably) content with material stuff - that is, I had a really hard time thinking of a gift list for my family; I seriously asked for socks.

Anyway, 30 isn't so bad...so far at least.

Extra, Extra, Extra Blog

I've started running again, and I'm blogging my training in an effort to keep myself honest and to have a log of what I'm doing. If you're interested in my boring efforts, you can read it here.

Christmas vs. Easter

Easter is my favorite holiday. I know people will argue that Christmas is better, but allow me to explain:

1. The death and resurrection of Christ are essential to the faith. Without them, our faith is worthless because a) we are still in our sins, and b) we have no hope for life after death (if Christ is not raised, how can we believe that we will be).
2. Easter is in the spring which means a) school is almost out, b) my birthday is approaching (4/16), and c) we'll get more snow (I live in Colorado where we have more white Easters than we do Christmases - global warming? or just climate change?)
3. My family's annual Christmas letter (it's likely you already got one, but if you didn't and you want one, post a comment, and I'll figure out how to get you one).

The annual late Christmas letter started the second Christmas after we got married, and we had to send out Christmas cards. We took a photo with us and the dog in front of the Christmas tree, and included them with a short synopsis of our lives. We got them out just after Christmas time, and every year, we've pushed the date back. The letter has sort of taken on a life of its own, and now it's become sort of a spring break tradition.

We try and make it creative and concise yet complete because Christmas letters should sum up an entire year of your life for people who aren't in contact with you all the time. This also makes spring a good time to send it out because people aren't inundated with letters and cards that they glance at, pull out the picture, and forget about; I think (at least I hope) that people actually read the letter because it comes at a down time for family summaries.

Anyway, happy Easter and Merry Christmas, all at once.

Free meat (guard your wallet)

This post is long, but worth it.

 

My wife and I recently received an in-home sales pitch from an outfit that bills itself as “A Leading Home Food Service Company.”  The pitch goes something like this:

A: “The average family of four spends $400-$600 per month in food.”

B: “Most of that money is going into the overhead costs of the grocery store (rent, employee fees, utilities, delivery trucks) and the actual food cost isn’t that high”

C: “The grocery system in our country does not allow your meat or vegetables to be fresh, plus the system also encourages the grocer to try and sell you low-quality food”

D: “If you weren’t in such a rush and knew you could cook a healthy meal at home and not have to plan it out to cook it, you’d save a lot of money on impulse spending and unhealthy fast food.”

 

So, A+B+C+D = let us sell you top quality beef and vegetables grown “the old-fashioned way” (by “farmers in the mid-west”); we’ll deliver it right to your door, into a freezer we’ll sell you (with a lifetime guarantee as long as you buy food from us); we’ll even pack it into your freezer for you; the meat is “flash-frozen” (without injected water solutions ”like you get at the store”) so it thaws in 10 minutes in a bowl of lukewarm water; plus, you’ll even save money on the food you buy.  You only pay $123.30 a month for the food plus $112.97 a month for 36 months (this covers the freezer and the “one-time overhead fee”).   After the freezer and “Food Buying Service” are paid off, your bill is only $123.30 a month.

 

He stepped out to the car so my wife and I could talk it over, “run the numbers,” and see if it was a good fit for our family.  We pulled out our credit card bill from the last month: nearly $400 in grocery store purchases.  Who knows how much of that bill was spent on quick-fix food that’s more expensive and less healthy than what we were looking at doing.

 

The argument sounds pretty good. Doesn’t it?  It did to us.  Why wouldn’t we want better food for our growing family, at a price that’s better than we’re currently getting, with more opportunity to cook at home and not eat lousy food on impulse?  So, we kept going with the pitch.  We picked out the items we’d like to have available in our soon-to-be delivered, super-deluxe, industrial-strength, lifetime warranty freezer.  We “personalized” our menu, and after we cut out the stuff we thought we wouldn’t eat, and he adjusted it for things we’d want more of, we were ready.  In two weeks, we’d have a freezer full of healthy food at the ready.

 

81lbs. of Beef (60lbs. of it in ground beef), 33lbs. of poultry (25lbs. of it in boneless, skinless chicken breasts), 19 pounds of seafood, pork, and sausages, plus an undisclosed amount of “Grade A Fancy Certified Organic” vegetables in 1 pound packages that would be split up according to some computer averaging table based on our preferences of certain types of vegetables.

 

It was starting to get a little overwhelming, and I noticed the interest rate on the freezer and food buying service: 19.8%! Whoa. I asked the guy about it, and he said, “You will probably pay that right away or transfer that balance to a low-interest credit card, but not everyone is as disciplined with your money as you are.  Plus, if you pay those off right away, you’re only paying the $123.30 per month for the food.  That’s a huge savings over what you’re paying now!” It sounded good to us, so we went for it; besides, he was giving us a bunch of meat today to try out (2lbs. of ground beef, 1lb. of hamburger patties, 2 t-bone steaks, some sirloin steaks, and some chicken breasts), and we could cancel if we weren’t satisfied with them.

 

We signed the contracts (including a purchase agreement, a credit check, a revolving credit agreement for the freezer and service (with interest), a revolving credit agreement for the food (with no interest), and a credit purchase voucher for each.

 

He left us with an envelope full of carbon copy contracts, a list of 19 “services, benefits, and processes” that make this system so great, and a letter from the vice-president of the company entitled “What Have I Done?”  I thought we had done a pretty wise thing for our family, and I read through the letter.  In the first buyer’s-remorse-rebuttal bullet point, he writes “We feed you at approximately $2.00 for a chicken breast and a serving of vegetables” and I thought “Wait a minute. We already eat for less than $2 per serving…way less actually.”  So I did the math:  $133lbs. of meat plus the unknown amount of vegetables for $123.30 a month (for 8 months total for each shipment); that’s $986.40.  Let’s assume 100lbs. of veggies at $2 a pound (not a good deal, but that’s the average, non-sale price for brand-name veggies at the grocery store), so we’ve got 133lbs. of meat for $786.40

 

Drum roll, please…

 

$5.92/lb.  And that’s only the food cost!  That doesn’t include my super-deluxe freezer (for which I would receive the privilege of the 20% discount that has already been factored into the price) or the Food buying service fee.

 

As if the price of meat, practically mandatory freezer purchase, $1700 “one-time service fee,” and 19.8% interest rate weren’t enough, the cancellation period is only three business days.

 

At the end of the day, we got 2lbs. of ground beef, 1lb. of hamburger patties, 2 t-bones, a few sirloins, and some chicken breasts at the cost of 2 hours of our time and one certified letter to the home office canceling our contract.

 

But if you want some free meat and a 2-hour chat with a well-dressed, well-spoken guy who wants to sell you the food-delivery system of the future, I’ve got it covered.

 

 

May the Force be with You

I don't think I even need to make much of a comment on this.

http://www.uspsjedimaster.com/main/vote/view_stamps.html

Vote for your favorite; the winner will become a genuine USPS stamp.

Spare time

When I'm given the opportunity to speak with musicians I respect, I try to learn more about their influences, so I ask questions like "What CD have you listened to recently that I should pick up?" or "What book have read recently that you liked?" or something similar.

Last month, when Andrew Peterson (www.andrew-peterson.com) was in town, he recommended (among other things) "Jayber Crow" - a book by Wendell Berry. It's "The Life Story of Jayber Crow, Barber, of the Port William Membership, as Written by Himself." The local library had a copy available, so I picked it up and read it.

Wendell Berry is one of the writers who is (apparently) successful in multiple genres. He's a prolific essayist, novelist, short-story writer, and poet. When someone writes that much with a fail level of popularity (or publishability), they tend to be kind of ho-hum in all areas, but I found Jayber Crow to be fascinating and well-written. It's the best book I've read in a while.

I know you're thinking "How exciting can a book about a barber be?" The answer is not very, but compelling and enjoyable nonetheless.

If you've got spare time (and you must since you're reading this), you should check it out.

Early Track Season Results

Saturday was the first major track invitational of the year, and things look good for my team. The boys were missing several top runners for college visits, and we still placed 12th out of 19 teams at the Liberty Lancer Invite.

1600m runner Mike S. won handily with a time of 4:33 - 3+ seconds faster than his race at the same meet last year. Our best 100m runner ran 11.34. Our Pole vaulters placed 3rd, 7th, and 9th. We have a freshman who ran 52.98 in the 400 (placing 5th) and also 23.65 in the 200 (9th). We also had a freshman run 11:11 in the 3200 (16th).

The girls team placed ninth and had new school records in the 300m hurdles (4th place in 48.2 seconds - by a freshman) and in the triple jump (32'11.5" - 2nd place). We also had a high jumper place 6th (with a jump of 4'10"). Also, our returning state champ shot putter pre-qualified for state.

On other fronts, Alum Russ Winger (class of '03 and state champ in shot and discus that year) placed 2nd at the NCAA indoor championships in shot put with a toss of 67' 4" (a personal best by over a foot) which makes him a three-time All-American and ranks him 11th in the world in shot put!

It looks to be a good season.

Coffee-house band gig

The coffee-house-playing cover band I'm in (Running With Scissors) has a gig this Friday at the It's a Grind on Fillmore and Centennial from 7-9pm. Come have some good coffee and listen to some (hopefully) good music. Hope to see you there.

When young men's thoughts turn...

According to the church calendar, the year looks like this: the year begins with Advent, then goes to Christmas (12 days), Epiphany, Lent, Easter, Pentecost, and then "ordinary time" until the end of the church year.

Lent -- the forty days leading up to Easter -- is supposed to be a time of reflection upon our own unworthiness and our consequent need for a savior. Traditionally, people fast as a part of their penitential reflection and as an imitation of Christ's 40-day fast in the desert. Catholics (and some "High-Church" protestants) give up meat on Fridays during Lent, and some Christians ("high-church" or "low-church" and even no-church) give up something else for Lent - chocolate or television or whoknowswhat. The idea is that you're fasting from something that is allowed but that might be a distraction from your spiritual life. Perhaps you'll even kick the habit for good (they say it takes 30 days to establish a new habit, so 40 days should really do it). Instead of giving something up for Lent, other Christians add something ostensibly good for them to do, perhaps one of the other Christian disciplines – charity, meditation, prayer, etc.

It's interesting to me that Lent coincides with spring, that time of year when men's thoughts (young men's especially) are easily distracted. They turn their devotions away from church and piety and towards another obsession: basketball. March Madness is a time-waster par excellence. It continues the extravagance of Mardi Gras clear through to holy week, giving us one more opportunity to ignore the call to reflection.

For Lent last year, I gave up the NCAA tournament. I always have enjoyed the excitement of college basketball, and I’m sure I missed some exciting games and some fabulous performances, but I can’t say that I missed it. And I think I’ll do it again this year. Instead of being glued to my TV watching the #16-seed University of Small School Undertakers get trounced by the #1-seed Big-School Leviathans, I’ll make sure I get my work done and done well, tempting though the round ball may be.

Don't Stand So Close to Me...

$50 per ticket actually means:

$50 for Full Price Tickets
$4 for "Facility Charge"
+ $11.15 for "Convenience Charge"
_______
$65.15 per seat

plus $3.35 ("Order Processing Fee")

for a grand total of $133.65 for two seats to The Police reunion tour at the Pepsi Center.

This had better be a good show!

The Perfect Match

Last night, I had the pleasure of seeing the Avalanche nearly give up a 3-goal lead to the Columbus Blue Jackets (I didn't even know they were an NHL team) in the final two minutes of the game. I can't afford to go to pro sporting events, but when somebody offers me tickets, I accept.

My trip to the Pepsi center was courtesy of three-time Olympian and silver-medalist Bob Foth. He is now the director of youth program development for USA Shooting, which is housed at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado Springs.

On the ride up to the game, Bob and Max Oliver (my friend whose wife was the USA Shooting Head Coach and is now the director of USA Shooting) and I talked a lot about shooting and shooting competitions.

I was particularly amazed at the recent accomplishment of Emily Caruso, only the third American woman to score a perfect 400 - a match of 40 rounds where each shot hits the ten-ring on the target. That might not sound too impressive if you're thinking about the 50-meter small-bore targets where the ten-ring is .4 inches. But I'm talking about the 10-meter air rifle target where the scoring area is about the size of a quarter and the ten-ring isn't really a ring at all. To score a ten in air rifle, you have to hit the .5mm center, and to do that 40 times in a row with open sights is incredibly. One-half a millimeter! Bob said it was about the size of the hole you could make with a ballpoint pen. You can't even see the ten-ring at 10 meters; you just know it's there.

I thought I was pretty good with my Daisy 880 air rifle, but that's amazing!

Curse like a scholar...

"Inside the Actor's Studio" is a great show on Bravo where host James Lipton interviews prominent actors about their influences, acting styles, recent films or shows, etc. I especially love the part of the show when Lipton asks the actor the famous "Pivot Questionnaire" (and if you think it's not famous, then maybe Al Gore shouldn't have won an Oscar).

Anyway, there are 10 set questions Lipton asks each guest, and my favorite question is "What is your favorite curse word?" Tom Hanks answered "Apesh*t." I think my dad's favorite is "horsesh*t." But mine is dumbass. It has a precise, concise meaning. No misunderstanding here.

Twice today, I had the pleasure of explaining the value of cursing like a scholar rather than a sailor. Sailors are notorious for cursing a blue streak - that is, without rhyme or reason (though rhymed swearing may not get you far unless you're a misogynistic rapper). No, I said to one individual who thought he was enlightened about his use of the F-word, its use as practically every part of speech actually makes it a less useful word. I don't think that the F-word is very handy as an expletive. While dexterous, it lacks the precision necessary to be effective.

Just like words in the thesaurus, if you don't actually know how to use them, they just make you sound like a dumbass.

Put me in coach...

This morning, I arrived at the county courthouse at 8:30 to perform my civic responsibility and show up to the jury pool. I went through security, filled out my questionairre, and tried to read my new library book (Jayber Crow by Wendell Berry - recommended to me by singer/songwriter Andrew Peterson) while the PA system blasted me with an obnoxious FM morning show.

After a brief introduction by the jury commissioner, a speech from one of the myriad courthouse judges on how he understood that we would rather be doing what we're used to be doing, and a video explaining the jury selection process and basic trial procedures (I've seen Law & Order, so I didn't need the video), we all settled back and waited for the commissioner to draw our names out of a hat.

Five judges needed juries this morning - did you know that some cases only need a jury of three members? Some are only six, even. I was actually surprised. Anyway, about every 20 minutes, the commissioner would say "judge so-and-so has called for his jury pool" and then he would read off the juror numbers and names of the people who needed to come forward. Just before 11, the commissioner read the last jury pool and then read five more names to be in the "bull-pen."

At least I know this process is random, and the reason I didn't get selected is that my number (788) wasn't lucky. It's not like all of those times I got picked last for organized sports - like kickball, junior high football, or the office softball team.

de do do do, de da da da

When your innocence escapes you...

Tickets for the Police reunion concert in Denver went on sale this morning, and despite my best efforts to purchase a ticket in the cheap seats ($50 each), there were none available. Out of sheer curiosoty, I checked the availability of the "Silver Hot Seat" and "Gold Hot Seat" tickets (at $225 and $380 apiece, respectively). No such luck.

Probably most of the cheap seats were purchased in the fan-club pre-buy (it only cost $100 to join the fanclub), leaving the rest of us suckers out in the cold for not being dedicated enough to spend a day's wages for a chance to see the show.

I guess I'll just buy the DVD of the concert when it comes out, and I'll save myself the hassle of joining the fanclub, driving to Denver, parking at the Pepsi Center, getting puked on by some drunk frat boy, and having a bad view of the stage.

...their logic ties you up and rapes you...

Salmonella's my favorite flavor

I’m a big fan of peanut butter, and I think the renaissance of my love for the legume delight was a trip to Meadow Muffins, Old Colorado City’s infamous brothel/opera house-turned-bar.

Meadow Muffins features an eclectic collection of silver screen memorabilia, including Moses’ baby basket from The Ten Commandments, some buckboard wagons from Gone with the Wind, and the famous fans from Rick’s Place in Casablanca. But my favorite part about Meadow Muffins is the Jiffy Burger.

Now the Jiffy Burger is pretty much your standard $6 Bar-and-Grill burger except is has a thick spread of peanut butter. When I saw it on the menu, I thought “Disgusting.” And yet, I tried it (if I had a nickel…).

Long story short, I loved the Jiffy Burger so much, that I started putting peanut butter on burgers at home, and then I put it on pancakes (which, I admit, other people have done before me). As if this post hasn’t gone on long enough, I am happy to report that despite the fact that I have two nearly-empty jars of the recalled peanut butter (Wal-Mart’s “Great Value” brand) from which I have eaten diligently and from which I have fed starving students over the last year, no one has gotten sick.

This isn’t going to stop me from submitting to the recall and collecting my $3.16 including tax for each practically empty jar.

On being quotable

I spend a lot of my time as a teacher and a coach trying to get kids to remember something I say; consequently, I spend a lot of time planning clever (and hopefully memorable) witticisms that also strike deep.

In a recent comment to a post on Slick's blog, I wrote that "Hard work beats talent when talent won't work hard." I know I'm probably not the first person to say it even though I made it up myself (like "heavy lifting for a hefty living"). Anyway, like Marconi is often given credit for the radio (even though he invented/discovered it at the same time as someone else), I'd like to be given credit for this saying. Unfortunately for my desperately hungry but frail ego, such a thing is unlikely. I mean, I can't even figure out how to post an article on Wikipedia, and I don't yet have a son who is willing to be a historical revisionist and make me into a better man on paper than I was in person (think Todd Lincoln, plus I'd have to get gunned down in a theatre). And I'm not that much of an egomaniac that I would rewrite my autobiography just to make myself more popular (think Davy Crockett or Michael Moore or see Fat Matt's post on the current speaker of the house).

Well, most coaches' quotes are misquoted anyway. Lombardi said that his famous quotation about winning being the only thing was not something he ever said. Or at least that's what somebody says he said about not saying what everyone says that he said.

Less than arresting

I’m the biggest Police fan you know – seriously, all three of you who read this can’t possibly know a bigger Police fan than I am – and yet, I was disappointed with the performance by Sting, Stewart, and Andy at the Grammy’s. Granted I tuned in only to watch the opening act and turned off the television almost immediately (I did manage to see that Bela Fleck and the Flecktones won a Grammy for best redneck/jazz fusion combo album of the year) because I know as well as anyone that, like all awards ceremonies, the Grammy’s are a big fat waste of time. But even the little bit I did watch seems like a waste to me now.

Sure, it was a lot of fun for me that my favorite band was playing together for the first time since I was seven years old, but I hadn’t expected the song they would play to be as familiar as it was. Don’t get me wrong, I totally expected the Police to come out and play their first single (“Roxanne”) on the 30th anniversary of its release, but I didn’t expect the version that came out. It started the same as it always did – guitar deity Andy Summers (now 65 years old) chopping away at the opening riff, Sting’s syncopated bass line giving the counter melody, and Stewart Copeland’s complicated and precise yet subtle percussion leading the way for the wailing vocal – but after the first chorus, the song was no longer the one I knew from the Police, it was the version that Sting has played with every incarnation of his melting-pot, jazz-influenced back-up bands since his second solo album.

I’m not saying it’s not good music; I’m saying it’s not the Police, and the opening number to their (anticipated) upcoming world tour seems to have started the Police off on the same note that broke them up before: Sting’s control of the group’s music. I hope that the Police do indeed have a reunion tour and that I can get tickets at an affordable price, but if all I’m going to see is Sting covering some of his old material with yet another back-up band who won’t get to showcase their talent without his say-so, then I’m not going.

The end of the game...

Anna Nicole Smith is dead, and while a blog might be a great place to make tastless jokes about the dead, I can’t bring my self to it. Last night just before she fell asleep, my wife said Anna Nicole’s death made her think about how hard we work to ensure a certain future that we can’t control.

 

I haven’t read any newswires or seen more than a few snippets on the TV about her death, but I’m pretty sure none of them are talking about how sad it is that she worked so hard and sold herself to have financial security and to live in excess.  My wife said she probably thought that acquiring that fortune of hers would ensure her security until she was 80 or 90, but now it doesn’t matter at all.  All of that effort came to nothing.

 

The queen and the pawn do indeed go into the same box.

 

Greatest Rock & Roll band of all time

I can't begin to express how excited I am about the rumored Police reunion tour (http://www.earthtimes.org/articles/show/25752.html), and this time the rumor might pan out. This Sunday, the Police will open the Grammy Awards Ceremony. I'm going to record the show just so I can watch the Police perform because there is no other reason to watch the Grammy's, not even with such headliners as Justin Timberlake and Beyonce.

I mentioned the upcoming performance in class today, and one of my students didn't even know who The Police were.

How could you not know who they are? They're one of the greatest bands of all time. Here's my list of the top five Rock & Roll bands (based mostly on my perception of their popularity, musical acumen, influence, and longevity):

• Aerosmith
• The Doors
• Led Zeppelin
• The Police
• The Rolling Stones

Conspicuous by their absence from the list are The Beatles, who I don't consider Rock & Roll in the same sense as these bands. Without question, The Beatles changed the face of popular music, but for my purposes here don't fit the bill.

Dollars and sense...

Because we live below the poverty line, (see http://aspe.hhs.gov/poverty/07poverty.shtml) our four- member family is getting a huge tax refund this year, and we're looking for the best place to invest the money where it will still be liquid and available. The credit union where we do our regular banking gives only 1.49% to savings accounts with balances over $1999. We want to make a little more money on our "3-month's income emergency fund" without too much risk.

So I googled "savings interest rate" and got lots of offers around or slightly above 5%. The problem for me is that none of these banks are in my city. Are they real? The realities of identity theft are becoming more and more clear to me, and I don't want to be floating my SSN (or my refund) out to a "bank" that may be a clever ploy. How do I know the difference?

It's frustrating and just a little scary. My paypal account is currently earning 5.02%. Perhaps I should put my tax refund into paypal as long as I don't go on some crazy eBay spree.

I've got authority issues

The "Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change" released its report on climate change yesterday, and Outside magazine declared it an "Authoritative Report" (http://outside.away.com/outside/news/2007201_1.html).

I'm not interested in a debate about whether or not climate change is impacted by human beings (the IPCC is "disclosed its educated belief that it is “very likely” that global warming has been caused by human activity").

I'm interested in the idea of a non-governing body (or any-body for that matter) being declared "authoritative."

History is not what happened, it's how we remember what happened. One of the philosophers said that - Plato? Aristotle? Liberace? - I don't remember which. What's important is that if the ones who win the wars get to record history, is it the groups who appoint themselves and have some sort of quorum who get to be authoritative?

The hot poop...

Ever notice how expensive diapers are? Yesterday, I spent $112 on diapers. Seriously. I'm probably not the first person to rant about this, but they're expensive. As I am a poorly-paid public servant, my wife and I buy store-brand diapers for our boys (22 months and 5 months). Our local Grocery Warehouse (a ghetto subsidiary of Albertson's) is closing for some unknown reason, and when I went by yesterday, diapers were 30% off. So I actually cleared them out of size 3, 4, and 5 diapers. My cart runneth over. Towers of yellow plastic packages threatened to tumble over the edges of my cart as I headed towards the checkout and received inquisitive looks.

Here's the boring math: 6 packs of size 3's = 240 diapers; 12 packs of size 4's = 408 diapers, 3 packs of size 5's = 90. So, I bought 738 diapers yesterday at about 15 cents apiece. Again, we buy the cheap stuff. Huggies and Pampers cost roughly a third more than the store-brand diapers, so they're almost double what we pay. I haven't checked to see what the Eddie Bauer or - gasp - Louie Vuitton-branded poop catchers cost.

We often change the boys if we think they might have a dirty diaper, if they had a loud fart, or if we can't really remember the last time we changed them. Can you imagine paying 15 cents everytime you (insert colorful euphemism here)? I - I mean this friend of mine - goes enough that he'd be paying over a dollar a day into the void.

A potty-trained kid is a frugal kid.

Take a look at my Wii

This is the question that Nintendo asked video game addicts this winter, and apparently lots and lots of people shelled out the $250 asking price. This came as a huge surprise to Sony, whose Playstation 3 (at $600) took a sound beating (for various reasons outlined in this International Hearld Tribune article: http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/01/31/business/games.php).

In the article, Matt Nichtel suggests that the reason the Wii (call me infantile, but it still makes me giggle a little) has had such success is that now coach potatoes are looking to get off their butts and move a little. I find that hard to believe. Okay, maybe it's that I'm a relatively active person. Maybe it's that after locking myself in my room with Super Mario Brothers until I could beat it without dying once, I realized that I was a loser. I mean, I was a winner - at Super Mario Brothers. I could go to a friend's house and absolutely dominate at that game. Whoever played Luigi wouldn't even get a turn before I won the heart of the princess.

Clearly, I suspected that my skills at virtual princess-winning would lead to success in actual princess-winning. This I believe is the basis for Nichtel's opinion: he thinks that couch potatoes everywhere believe that playing this even-more virtual tennis will allow them to take Anna Kournikova in straight sets (or maybe just show her their Wii). But seriously, which skills can you develop in the virtual world tha will really make a difference in the real world? Which skills will change you from virtual-world winner to real-world winner?

Writing a blog that no one will read ...

I suppose that I've always fancied myself a writer, and I probably ought to be one by now, considering all of the "higher" education I've received to become an English teacher; but the fact of the matter is that aside from a column for UNC's The Mirror my freshman and sophomore years and an occasional letter to the editor, this is my first "published" work.

The man-in-charge of my favorite blog (http://coloradogaws.blogspot.com/) would suggest that "writing a blog that no one will read just to make yourself laugh is sort of intellectual masturbation," and he's probably right. But since I've given up the other, I suppose I'd better get my fill of the intellectual anyway. Apparently it's as addictive a pasttime, and probably not without some of the socially alienating consequences, but - hopefully - it is not so emotionally destructive.